Poetry

Because of you

2012-01-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

I've become connsumed by you
Obsessed with you
I can't stand the thought of being away from you

I don't want to feel these feelings
I don't want to be with you
but my heart won't allow me to do
anything else

I want to be free
Free to discover me
Who I am
What I like
What I dislike
To learn how to be alone
To be happy by myself

My heart betrays what my mind and soul demand
My hear wants what it wants and no
Matter how much it hurts or you hurt me
My heart wants
It wants you

Hurt me you do
Continue you will
You just don't see how you hurt me
No matter how I try to show you
To describe

There are some things in this world
We are oblivious to the pain you
Cause me is one of yours

I love you
Want to be with you
But I know its over
It should be over
But my heart won't allow it to be

Loving you hurts me
What does loving me cost you?
Are you as conflicted as I?

My love my heart bleeds for you
It aches for you
I've made sacrifices for you
To be with you
To have and hold you
What have you sacrificed for me?

I can't live with this duality
One or the other
I must choose
What will I choose?
The pain of being with you?
Or
The pain of being with you?
Which will I choose?

Fighter, Survivor, Leader

2011-12-12T15:06:00.000-08:00

To live it means we must Fight, Survive, and lead those who cannot help themselves

No matter what we've been through

No matter what we've done

No matter the past

Only the present matters

Victims we are no longer

It is our time to excel

The skills we have learned are now invaluable

The things we went through are suddenly just the skill set that the world is looking for

No longer can we hide

We must FIGHT

We must continue to SURVIVE

We must LEAD

Everything we've gone through has amounted to this one place and time

We're being tested and now it the time

Now is the time to go fort with and show the world what we can do

The skills we've learned in hand and our instincts to rule us we walk out into the world

To see the damage left behind we slowly pick up the pieces and begin to put the world back together one person at a time

A job that is seemingly endless but if not for us who would help the world move forward in times like these

Its a job I gladly accept

All my skills are needed now in this one time

In this one place

I'm no longer an outcast I am one of the crowd only a little better prepared than the rest so they look to me to guide them

They look to me for clues

How can I let them down

To fight

To survive

To lead

This my motto it will be

To fight

To survive

To lead

This is who I will become

Who will follow?

Who is strong enough to help to carry this load?

One day I'll find you and together we'll help to right this world

Until then

I'll fight

I'll survive

I'll lead

It's all I know to due, I've done it time and time again

Its time I let go and believe in myself

Take your best shot world

I'll will survive to fight and lead another day

Alone

2011-12-02T05:58:00.000-08:00

Nothing scares me more than the thought of being ALONE in this world
Yet I find that's exactly what I am
Alone
Cold
And too afraid to ask for help
No one really see's me
Just the "ME" I project onto the world
My heart is cold
My soul is numb
Family I have
Friends some too
But not one of them see's me as clearly as I
See myself right now
Everyone see's the girl they want to see:
Victim
Lover
Friend
Happy
Damaged
The list goes on
No one sees me the way I see myself
Scared, cold and too afraid to let anyone close because of all the pain others have caused
So I stay alone deep down
Down in my heart
In my soul
I cling to certain people and things
All to keep from physically being alone
Things and people keep my mind away from the sadness that is my life
Except for now when I'm quiet enough and alone for it to surface
Yes I've been dealt crappy hand from birth
With certain people BUT
I've been given the good as well
I blame my life on no one or thing
Things just happen and when you stuff things so deep inside and add hurt on top of hurt
Blame on top of blame
it builds up
Sometimes its better to be alone cause then you can't hurt people
I can't shake this feeling
This pain
This hatred and anger
At not only myself but at the world
This I all feel inside
This I don't want to focus on or deal with because it hurts
Yet everyone tells me to be alone
I yell "I AM ALONE" what more do you want from me world
I'm half here
And half gone
Go any further and I'll lose myself completely
This will be the death of me

I Can't Say "NO" to You

2011-12-02T05:48:00.000-08:00

I can't say "No" to you!
No matter what I do
I can't say "No" to you!
I've lost who I am when I'm with you
I can't say "No" to you!
my heart is breaking in two
yet anything you ask is yours
It's so unfair that I can't say "No" to you!
No matter what I try
No matter what I do
I can't say "No" to you!
Anything you ask I give
I've lost my mind just to be with you
It's time I try
It's time I win
This time...
I will say "No" to you!

Maybe No One Will See

2011-12-02T05:45:00.000-08:00

Maybe no one will see if I close off my heart to the world
Maybe no one will see if i slowly start to die and wither away
Maybe no one will see if i pretend to be somone or something I'm not
Maybe the world will forget me and leave me be
Maybe if the world ran on maybe's I wouldn't be in the place I am writing this poem
Maybe on day the pain will end and happiness will begin
Maybe that's all we have in this world
is a big jar full of maybes with no promises
Maybe,
Maybe it'll all be ok one day
only just MAYBE

Love

2011-11-30T16:29:00.001-08:00

Love
is a feeling that is deeply felt
Love
last only until death
Love
is powerful
Love
is all consuming
Love
is blind
Love
deceives
Love
is many things but it is not painless

The Mirror

2011-10-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

I look in the mirror
The image I see is distorted
Is this for real
Is this how I appear
Is this who people see
Or is this just the ME inside of me
Who's distorted image do I see
Is it mine
or
An image the world WANTS me to see
Who am I
What do I look like
Am I as beautiful inside and out
or
Am I deformed and ugly to match my insides
Who does the world see
and
What does the world WANT me to see in return

This Burden

2011-09-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

The burden I carry is heavy
The load I bear unbearable
I look for someone to help me carry on
Yet as I look I find no one
AM I destine to walk alone in this world and the next?
Strength and beauty
a deadly combination
Its by sheer will and determination that I carry on
One step at a time
One day at a time
Life has left its mark on me due to choices I have made
Choices that have lead me here to this point in my life
What shall become of me
Will I find love and strength in another
Or must I be the survivor I am and continue to carry on
What will my life become

Darkness Surrounds Thee

2011-09-29T21:23:00.000-07:00

I often feel as though I've lived or am living two lives.
There's the outward life that the world see's.
The one where most people cannot fathom the darkness that stains my soul.
Then there is the life I live within myself with demons so powerful people would ask how one such as I could "know" of that world.
They fail to realize that the hell I went through may not have been as bad as it could have been by I was and am very perspective and analytical in my thinking, and pay attention to the world around me and read books and have a good imagination but most of all I NEVER FORGOT MY HELL AND CONTINUED TO LIVE IT EVERY DAY IN MY HEAD!
It never ends.
Never goes away.
It's my own personal hell and try as I might it is one I cannot escape!
All that combined would darken any one's outlook on life and the world!

Two Faced

2011-09-29T21:17:00.001-07:00

The life we live is two faced. There is the outward life and the "us" we show to the world.
Then there is the "us" we keep inside.

Letter to Alexandria

2011-06-01T13:45:00.000-07:00

Child of mine who was never born

Child of mine whom I will always mourn

Child of mine whose life was cut short

The fates unkind to you my little bambina

I forever yearn for your touch

Your voice

Your smile

Your face

How I will miss you Alexandria

You will always have a special place in my heart

My little bambina one day we will see each other

One day we will be together in a better place

We never formally met but I’ll always know you

Always remember you

Always Love you

Till we meet again my little Bambina, my Alexandria

Lost Soul

2011-05-21T23:30:00.001-07:00

Lost and alone my soul wanders this world

Wandering, searching, longing, reaching, praying

For something it cannot describe

Something it cannot deny

My soul is lost amongst this plane we call life

Forever to wander in search of peace

Forever to yearn for the love it so desperately deserves

Forever to pay a debt that is not its own but for the sins of the father

The sins of its self

The sins of its family

Forever damned

Forever lost and alone forced to wander

Realization

2011-01-12T20:41:00.001-08:00

In the time I’ve been alive I’ve seen more

Felt more

Lived more

Than most people do in an entire lifetime

Yet the pain I feel

The pain I’ve suffered are nothing compared to others

My world is one of pain and suffering yet as I look back

I realize others are worse off than I am

I still feel like I live in the dark but I have to say

My life isn’t as dark as I once thought it to be

Time Stands Still

2011-01-06T19:42:00.001-08:00

Time stood still the day we met

The day we loved

The day you left

The day you took my heart and destroyed it

The day I learned that love holds no place in my heart when pain is so palpable

When hurt and anger become my closest friends

The day you changed me from a sweet innocent loving person to

Someone who can no longer remember what it is to love and live

The day you walked out on me and destroyed everything I am and could have been

Lost and Alone

2011-01-02T12:09:00.001-08:00

Lost and Alone

Here I stand

On a precipice looking back on my life

Of all the things I see I notice most

That my life was lived amongst the shadows

Life and Darkness

Love and Hate

Seemed I was always a bit too late

Too late for love

Too late for life

Destin to live in the darkness

Never to see the light

Lost and alone I struggle to see

The point of this life

The point of this pain I carry around within me

Is it really over

Can I truly let go

Is my mission done

Did I fail

How can I let go

When I never learned of life and love but only of darkness and hate

The precipice seems unending

Yet I falter with my step

Something holds me back

Tells me to trudged onward

To trust once again

That love and life await me

If I could just give in

Given in to goodness

Give in to light

Let go of the darkness

Let go of the night

Each day is special

Different from the first

If only I’d try

If only I’d let go

No longer would I be lost and alone!

Life or Death It's My Choice

2010-12-04T19:56:00.001-08:00

dark and alone

this world seems so cold

my life is forfeit for there is nothing left for me

nothing to do

no one to please

I am an empty vessel

night after night I pray

I dream

Yet nothing seems to come of it

Life goes one without me

Life has grown cold and I feel dead

What can the dead offer the living

What can the living offer the dead

I cannot continue to live in the middle I must choose

life or death it is my choice

I tire of life

I think perhaps death might be nice

Closed Off

2010-12-04T19:55:00.001-08:00

Lost and alone I travel through this world

No one to love

No one to hold on to

Alone and cold I must roam

No place to call home

No place of my own

Alone and cold I am forced to roam

This world is cold

In this world we are each alone

I see couples walk hand in hand

I see their eyes shining with love

It's their hearts I see most clear

No love, closed off, alone

Will we never let anyone in

Will we forever stand outside waiting, screaming, crying

Will we ever stop wanting and take life by the horns

Or must we be forever doomed to roam this earth cold, alone with nowhere to call home

When will we wake up inside

See the world

Take a chance on love

When will we wake up inside

Death

2010-12-04T19:54:00.003-08:00

Fire in my veins

Cold in my heart

I've seen too much of this world

Too much of death

Too much of life

Too much of being alone

Yet I keep trudging along

Is it hope that keeps me going?

No its the monotony that we call life that keeps one foot in front of the other

Dad after day

Night after night

I can't seem to escape this life of hatred and pain

A life of nothingness

I move through life as if a zombie

follow a call to walk towards death

Slowly everyday

With nothing in the future awaiting me on this earth

Viper's Ghetto

2010-12-04T19:54:00.001-08:00

Its dark and cold

as you walk home all alone

alone amongst the gunshots

along amongst fights

The rapes

You walk alone in the Ghetto

a woman,

easy prey,

So they think

you have a few tricks up your selves

pity the fool who fucks with you

You were raised on the upper side

and never visited the Ghetto except in books, and to drive through safe areas

So how does a girl like you survive in the Ghetto

You've got more demons and skeletons in your closet than a middle class kid should

You never fit in the middle class

You never fit in anywhere

but here they underestimate you

they don't know what power you wield or the secrets that you carry

no one knows the hell you've lived in, in your mind

So a female all alone in the Ghetto with gun shots,

rapes, and murders

This is oddly where you feel you belong

This is where you are at your peak performance

Ready to strike at anything that comes your way

Your always aware

Always on the lookout

Viper is your name now

how fitting as you strike like one

when put up against a wall

YOU SHOW NO FEAR

AND FEAR HAS NO HOLD ON YOU!

Longing

2010-12-04T19:53:00.003-08:00

Oh sweet child of mine born of my cold and barren womb that was not to be

God had his reasons, I do not pretend to understand them only accept them

Oh how I would have loved to hold you in my arms if only for a moment,

Yet to bring a life into this world of death, decay, and rapidly declining morality that in and of its self would be a sin

Would be the most selfish thing I would have ever done.

Yet the longing is there still …a yearning that can never be fulfilled

Humanity Good vs. Evil

2010-12-04T19:53:00.001-08:00

Lost and Alone I wander this world

I search for others like me but I find no one

Everything is cold and bleak

How long can I last

How long will I live

Doth my eyes deceive me…someone like me on the horizon

I walk closer and closer for a better look

I stifle a scream as I look upon the death and destruction wrought by my own kind

They look up at me blood on their hands, faces, teeth

Crude tools of destruction in their hands

I seem unimportant to them but still I stay looking on in horror

When I feel it is safe I turn and run away, far, far, away

I could not have been born of that it is not possible for I am at one here in the woods

At one with mother nature

At peace

Yet the nagging thought of those images remain in my head

As I ponder these things I realize yes that is where I come from

I look at the beauty of the forest around me and drop to my knees

I am sick

I have the same evil blood running through my veins

I cannot stay

I cannot risk hurting the beauty that lies within this forest

I run for protection not for myself but for the earth

My only choice is to hide and live a life in solitude

Never to know of love

Never to know a tender babe's touch

I must hide away to protect the world from what lies within me

It must be my last conscience act before the evil over takes me

*air comes out in a gust*

I sit up and look around me

I am still in my beautiful forest

Was it all a dream?

My Finial Stand

2010-12-04T19:52:00.003-08:00

Never to Sleep

Never to Dream

Never to live

Never to Love

If I am to survive this must become my motto

Every day one step at a time

Shed the skin of humanity

Put on the cloak of Survival

Look within for the strength you will need

The strength that got you this far

No clouded judgment

A straight line you see the end but it will not come easy

Test after Test you must pass

Trial after Trial you must endure

No one is safe

Emotion will only complicate things

Forget the world, for it no longer exists

Your caught in the most important battle you will ever fight

To live or To die

The right to be free from the demons of those who should have to carry their demons not you

The right to be free from the pain and suffering pushed upon you at such a young age

The right to be You, but in the process you will lose

Lose the ability to care

The ability to feel

The ability to yearn

You will act by instinct alone for this is safe

Emotions only complicate things

Reach down deep for she is still there

The strength you have called upon so many times before just waiting for you to call upon her

Flesh and Blood have no meaning

They matter little when in the long run it is a race for your sanity

Pick up your tools

Grab up your gear

Look at your mountain

Nothing to hold you back

There is no fear

Say a quick prayer for strength to endure this once more

Don't look back, take a breath and begin

What has been started can never be stopped

For this is a fight for not only your humanity but your right to it

Maybe one day you can love

Maybe one day you can live

Today is not that day

Tomorrow does not look to promising either

None of that matter's right now

See to the task at hand

If you succeed the rewards will be great

If you fail you lose the most precious thing you still carry…your mind

For you gave up your heart long ago

Your soul is his (God's) yet you feel the need to cleanse it from the dirt that others have left upon it

You obsess over this and your task

Some say you're crazy

Others that you are destine to fail

Of course you have heard it all before

Pay them no mind you face a challenge that had they a iota of understanding for what must now come they wouldn't be like you and face it head on they would run, run away and hide in families, friends and such

You have no such liberty

You must try

You must succeed

This your final task

The most important one

To regain the right TO BE YOU!

The way is long but you will make it because for you there really is no other choice

Others can laugh

Can look upon you in wonder and walk away

Can deem you unfit for society

None of their thoughts or actions matter

All that matters is that you’re here and the time is now

Go climb your mountain and find yourself on the way back down

Life and Death: Final Words

2010-12-04T19:52:00.001-08:00

I have lived life

And I have come close to death on more than one occasion

For whatever reason until now God has not been ready for me

I've lived in pain

I've lived in love

Time have been hard

Things have been done both to and by me

My hands are not clean

I am unworthy but God finds me worthy

He had a mission

My mission is now done

Do not mourn for me now

Do not mourn for me later

I am happy

I finally found true peace

I know you'll grieve so if you must come sit awhile and visit with me

Physically I am there but in sprit I am watching over you

Do not cry, do not ask why

Accept that it was just my time

I was born into sin and evil

But I CHOSE to leave it in purity and in the favor of God's eyes

Alone

2010-12-04T19:51:00.001-08:00

There you've left me alone and cold

Guess it was coming for all the pain I have caused

You made me feel

You made me love, even if it was unintended

Now you've left me all alone

What am I to do

Where am I to go

I left with you a big piece of me, my soul

Not much is left because much was stolen

My love for you is still there

My heart breaks for you

Knowing you did care I thought would make it better but it doesn't

I wish you could love me in return and you must to a point

You did after all ask me not to hurt myself cause we have no way to know what the future holds

All I've ever wanted was to be treated like a woman, someone special and worthwhile

You gave that to me and for that I will never forget you

Please come back to me

Please come home to my arms

Make me feel safe and at home once again

Make me just feel!